CDC RELEASES STATEMENT ON DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN CORONAVIRUS AND STREP

CDC Releases Statement on Distinguishing Between Coronavirus and Strep (By: Jake Rascal) WASHINGTON, DC—If you are concerned you may have contracted the coronavirus, don’t panic. It may just be strep throat, or one of a half dozen other ailments, according to a press release issued Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control. The press release reads as follows: “Due to heightened anxiety over the coronavirus threat, many emergency rooms and clinics are seeing large numbers of patients concerned they may have contracted the virus. The Centers for Disease Control has identified the seven most common ailments that are being mistaken for coronavirus, and ask that citizens evaluate themselves for symptoms and take action as appropriate to their symptoms. “If your symptoms include a sore throat accompanied by fever, swollen lymph nodes in your neck, and red spots in your throat, this is not the coronavirus. This is probably strep. Go to the doctor. “If your symptoms include slurred speech, loss of arm movement, blurred vision, headache, and dizziness, this is not the coronavirus. This is probably a stroke. Call an ambulance immediately. “If your symptoms include sudden pain and a small unexplained wound on some part of the body accompanied by a loud noise, this is not the coronavirus. This is likely a gunshot wound, especially if there is a larger wound on the direct opposite side of your body. That is an exit wound. Drop to the floor to avoid additional gunshot wounds. Attempt to put pressure on the affected area if you can, and pack the wound with sterile gauze if available. You should immediately call 911 and scream, “I’ve been shot!” Wait for the police and an ambulance to arrive, and try not to die before they get there. “If your symptoms include fatigue, thirst, headache, dizziness, nausea, and sensitivity to light or sound, especially after a night of heavy drinking, this is not the coronavirus. This is a hangover. Do not go to the emergency room. Drink some water, take a shower, and get some light exercise. The CDC recommends consuming alcohol in moderation next time. “If your symptoms include headache, nausea, pain in the ears, uncontrollable eye-rolling, agitation, and bouts of anger or frustration, this is not the coronavirus. You’re either watching a Trump rally or the Democratic debates. Do not go to the hospital. Change the channels or turn off the television completely. Maybe try reading a book or listening to some music. Go for a walk. “If your symptoms include increased urination, back pain, abdominal contractions, diarrhea, or if a mucus plug or a vast amount of fluid has came out of your vagina, this is not the coronavirus. You are in labor. If you are not pregnant and experience these symptoms, yes you are. If you are male and experience these symptoms, be prepared to explain why you have a vagina. Go to the hospital immediately. “If your symptoms include a spasm in your chest accompanied by a sharp involuntary gasping sound, this is probably not the coronavirus. This is likely only the hiccups. Do not go to the emergency room or to a clinic. Instead, stand on your head while eating a tablespoon of peanut butter. If this doesn’t stop the spasms, you may have the coronavirus. Just kidding. It’s the hiccups. But sometimes a scare will do the trick. “If your symptoms include fever, coughing and shortness of breath, this may in fact be the coronavirus. Do not go to the emergency room or to a clinic. Instead cover yourself in bleach and seal yourself in trash bags and lock yourself in your room. You may feel like you can’t breathe. This is normal and should pass in about three minutes. This is the safest way to protect your friends and family from the coronavirus.” All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.