GIBSON COUNTY MAN NAMED WORST DRIVER IN THE WORLD
Gibson County Man Named Worst Driver in the World (By:Jake Rascal) MILAN, TN—The Sweet family is making headlines for the second year in a row. On Tuesday, the International Worst Road Experiences Committee (I-WREC) announced that Cleetus “Bubba” Sweet of Milan was the recipient of the 2019 Worst Driver in the World award. Each year the committee considers thousands of nominations from around the world to determine the world’s worst. The criteria for winning the award are somewhat subjective, but a spokesman for I-WREC said that the committee looks for numerous things, including a misunderstanding of basic driving laws, violations of posted road signs, distracted driving, and a general disregard for human life. Smith was chosen to receive this year’s honor after numerous traffic violations, including making sixty-three consecutive clockwise rotations on the Jackson Tennessee Roundabout, driving 55 mph in the turning lane on North Highland for 3.2 miles, for backing up on I-40 for 2 miles because he missed his exit (only to realize he hadn’t actually missed his exit at all), and for turning left off Vann Drive on to oncoming 45 Bypass traffic from the center lane while giving a right-turn signal while playing video poker on his iPhone. “We were most impressed by the last feat,” said Edmund Binghampton, who chaired the Committee’s annual meeting in Copenhagen. “Quite frankly, it was the most unpredictable thing imaginable. We were quite stunned that he did so with minimal property damage and surprisingly no loss of life.” Sweet is the sixth Milan resident to win the award in the last nine years. Last year’s award went to Sweet’s cousin/wife/half-sister, Betty Sue “Becky” Sweet, in part after she drove the wrong way through Court Square in Brownsville for 37 minutes “looking fer a parking spot goin’ the right way,” then did the same thing in Court Square in Ripley for 42 minutes only three days later for the exact same reason. Both times Becky had been on her way from Milan to Finger and had taken wrong turns. “I didn’t think I’d ever win this,” said Sweet after hearing of his win. “I figured it would be somebody from Milan, maybe even Becky again, but who thought it would be me?” The recipient of the annual award receives a trophy shaped like a broken headlight and a bumper sticker commemorating their achievement (and warning other drivers). Sweet immediately put the bumper sticker on his pickup, which appears to have been a Ford at one time, giving it a place of honor with other bumper stickers, including “Make America Great Again”, “Don’t Shoot, I’m White”, “My Other Car is a Horse”, “Storm Area 51”, “Roll Tide”, “My Dog Ate Your Honor Student’s Homework”, and “W: The President”, just above his expired “Don’t Tread on Me” license plate. Sweet boasted that, “This truck don’t look like much now, but I earnt ever one a them dents. Not a one was somebody else’s fault. ‘Cept that one on the door. Becky did that with a golf club when she found out she was my cousin.” This reporter declined to inquire what that meant. The Jackson Critic confirmed that Bubba and Becky Sweet have both had their drivers licenses permanently revoked, and neither has been insurable for almost a decade. Nominations for Worst Driver in the World can be submitted online at http://www.iwrec.org All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.