JACKSON SINKHOLES TO BE CONVERTED BY DEPT. OF RECREATION

JACKSON SINKHOLES TO BE CONVERTED BY DEPT. OF RECREATION AND PARKS (By: The Stinger Bee) After many complaints by property owners that the Jackson City Attorney, Engineering Department, and Mayor’s office is declining to repair sinkholes that have been plaguing property owners; the city has proposed a compromise. Even though the city has easements for the storm drainage pipes and did in fact issue the permits, and participate in their construction, it has refused to consider assisting with sinkhole repair. Their reason, “….the city is going bankrupt.” No money. Alex Reed, administrative assistant to Mayor Scott Conger announced that plans are underway to transfer responsibility of the cave-ins to the Jackson Parks and Recreation Department. “We have a three-fold plan to address the increasing number of sinkholes in our city. One, our recreation department will seize private property sinkholes through public domain procedures. Secondly, we will allow Churches that have encroaching sinkholes to register them as tax abatement Baptismal Pools. Thirdly, we will continue to claim that the city has no financial responsibility for the repair of sinkholes that do not comply with these proposed plans,” said Reed. City attorney, Lewis Cobb, thinks that retail business owners with sinkholes can use Tennessee’s “Quit Claim” laws to deed their sinkholes to area churches for outdoor baptistries or to the Parks and Recreation department for use as mini parks. The mini parks will be landscaped and transformed into reflective pools and small fishing areas for families who do not have state fishing licenses. An unnamed source at Jackson Parks and Recreation said that an agreement in principle has be reached with Tennessee Wildlife Resources to stock these “ponds” with initial seedings of bluegill, crappie, bass and other sexually -eproducing fish. They will not be allowing the transfer of Muse Park lake fish to be introduced to the sinkhole fishing areas. “Many theorize that the Muse Park fish are either homosexual, transgender, or LGBLT aquatics,” said the anonymous source. “This renders them incapable of natural reproduction when introduced to new areas.” Both TWRA and JPR intend to make the project self-sustainable in regards to future numbers of available fish. In an effort to always help the “poor people” and coordinate with the newly formed “Poverty Task Force”, Mayor Conger believes that, “Teaching the poor and economically disadvantaged to fish and offering them the opportunity to do so without licenses, restrictions, or fees, will help feed them and fight the hunger problem our city has. Furthermore, obtaining free fish from the sinkholes, will increase up the poor’s discretionary funds, giving them the ability to buy more lottery tickets. Everyone knows that more state lottery ticket sales benefit childhood education – this is an economic and quality of life boom for all of us. Truly a win-win. Rumors that the sinking brick sidewalks around the Double D Deaderick Donut Roundabout will be converted to “splash pad” children’s play areas have not been confirmed. All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.