MAYOR CONGER BEGINS ROUNDABOUT CAMPAIGN

Mayor Conger Begins Roundabout Campaign (by: Jake Rascal) JACKSON, TN—Jackson Mayor Scott Conger took to the streets Friday to make his case to the people of Jackson that the city needs more roundabouts. The mayor set up a table in front of City Hall with a large sign reading, “I-240 is just a big roundabout; change my mind,” where he engaged with local pedestrians whether they wanted him to or not, oftentimes spitting sunflower seeds at them when they refused to engage him. “I-240 is the most driven road in all of America,” Conger told the Jackson Critic. “Millions of people drive it every day. It’s huge. Everyone is talking about it. And what is it? It’s just a big roundabout. You drive on it, and you go counterclockwise until you get to your street, and then you just take an exit off to the right. Just like a roundabout!” When one local resident pointed out that traffic goes both ways on I-240, and that you could also drive clockwise around the city, the mayor shouted, “Fake news!” and threw his coffee cup at them—coffee which smelled suspiciously like bourbon. “It’s CNN again,” the mayor quickly explained to reporters, “they keep sending these spies here. It’s all part of the deep state conspiracy that Geriatric Gist planted here to undermine me. Because they know I’m here for the people. And I’m not going to give in to the establishment. We’re going to build a roundabout around every home in Jackson! You’re getting a roundabout! You’re getting a roundabout, and you’re getting a roundabout!” the mayor exclaimed pointing at various passersby and at least one squirrel. The mayor said he plans to take his table and his sign all over Jackson to get his message out. “We’re going to the ballpark next week,” he said, “we’re expecting a huge crowd. Huge crowd. A sellout crowd. Biggest crowd we’ve ever seen there. 150,000 people will be in the stands, and I’ll be there on the pitcher’s mound with my table. And my coffee. And we’re going to be talking about things. Big things. We’re going to build our own I-240. It’s going to be a huge roundabout that goes all the way around Jackson. And Medina is going to pay for it. I have it all figured out. Nobody knows more about road construction than me. It’s going to be unbelievable. Everyone thinks it’s a great idea. And we’ll get it done with no cost to the taxpayers. Zero.” Editor’s note: The busiest highway in America is actually Interstate 90, which sees about 320,000 vehicles per day. The Ballpark at Jackson in fact only seats 6,000 people, and the entire population of Jackson is only about 67,000. All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.