MOST JACKSONIANS COULD SEE A PAY RAISE AS EARLY AS APRIL

Most Jacksonians Could See a Pay Raise as Early as April Jackson TN—Jackson mayor Scott Conger took to Twitter to announce his plans to raise minimum wage for employees of businesses operating inside the city limits. The mayor’s tweet reads as follows: “The people of Jackson deserve better than the current Federally-regulated minimum wage. I am calling on the Jackson City Council to immediately pass a resolution raising the minimum hourly wage to $7.26 inside the city limits. #MJGA!” Current Federal minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. Under the mayor’s plan, full-time employees could see their paychecks go up by 40¢ per week, or more if you factor in overtime. “That’s eighty cents per paycheck for workers if you’re paid bi-weekly,” the mayor said in an impromptu phone interview he insisted on giving at 3 a.m Saturday morning. “That adds up to more than twenty dollars per year! That’s four Little Caesar’s’ Hot-N-Ready Pizzas!” the mayor exclaimed, “Every single year! I’d be happy getting only one extra pizza per year if it were me. But everyone will be getting four!” When asked if he was concerned with the higher minimum wage causing Jacksonians to be taxed at a higher rate, a question clearly asked in jest, Conger replied, “Okay. You’re right. Okay. I get that. You with your fancy community college degree. So maybe you only get an extra fifteen dollars a year. Oh, boo hoo. You only get three extra pizzas instead of four. How many pizzas did Jerry Gist give you, Smarty McSmartypants? None! That’s how many. And did you complain? No. You kept re-electing the old geezer until he couldn’t stop soiling himself in public! And I’m trying to give you three free pepperoni pizzas, hot and ready with no waiting, every single year, and you’re complaining that I’m not giving you four! You ungrateful little brat. I should take your pizzas myself. I could use a free pizza right now.” It is unclear if the City Council will actually take up the resolution, but given the minimal effect such a resolution would have on anyone, it would probably be easier for everyone concerned if they just agreed with the Mayor and moved on. The next City Council meeting is scheduled for March 3 at 9 a.m. The council meets in the George A. Smith Meeting Room at City Hall. The public is welcome to attend and voice their own opinions about the mayor’s new proposal. All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.