MURDER HORNETS TO SAVE U.S FROM DONALD TRUMP

WASHINGTON DC—A spokesman for the Murder Hornets held a press conference on Thursday outlining their plan to save the U.S. from Donald Trump. (By : Jake Rascal) “We have a really beautiful plan,” said Matar Horner, President of Murder Hornets International, “It’s a great plan. A brilliant plan. Everyone is talking about it. I’ve been in regular contact with all the different insects—mostly hornets but all the insects, obviously not the bees—since 2016 discussing the possibility we’d eventually need to do something about the Donald Trump crisis. I personally knew it was a crisis before they were calling it a crisis. But it is a crisis. Did you know that? They’re calling it a crisis now. Huge crisis. And I’ve been putting out some ideas. Lots of ideas. Everyone who hears my ideas talks about how great they are and how good I understand this stuff. Maybe I should have been an anthropologist. But we have a plan and it’s a good plan and it’s going to work.” When asked the details of the plan, Horner called out reporters as “fake news”. “We’ve been talking about this plan for the whole time I’ve been standing here,” Horner said, “Haven’t you been listening? You’re a terrible reporter and fake news. We have a brilliant plan, and it’s going to work. The polling that says people don’t like us is all wrong. It’s all fake. It’s all a hoax by the bees. First it was that pesticides were killing them. Now it’s this ‘Murder Hornets are coming for us’ nonsense. It’s their latest hoax. They think the planet can’t survive without it them. But it can. It can and it will. Bees are so bad. They’re terrible. And have you heard this new thing they did? This Tara Reade woman. Wonderful woman. Brilliant writer. Personally I think she’s only about a four. If she lost some weight she’d maybe be a five. But still, I’d never sting her. But do you know who did sting her? That’s right. The bees. They stung her twenty seven years ago. That’s how long they’ve been stinging people. Did you know bees had been around twenty seven years? That’s a long time for an insect. I thought they were new. But the bees have been here for twenty seven years. That’s a long time. And they haven’t done anything to combat the Donald Trump crisis. They’ve just been stinging people. And Tara Reade wasn’t the first I promise you that. But there are going to be more people coming forward. Lots of people saying they’ve been stung by bees too. Lots of people. Bumbling Bees. That’s what I call them. I made that up. I think it’s funny. That’s what they are, they’re bumbling. Totally incompetent.” The Murder Hornets are expected to start their campaign in the coming weeks. Current polling shows Americans prefer Murder Hornets to Donald Trump 57% to 41%. Bees meanwhile have an 87% approval rating. All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.