WAL-MART ROLLS OUT "SELF-STOCK" INITIATIVE IN JACKSON

JACKSON, TN - BY (JAKE RASCAL) Walmart announced Friday that the North Jackson Walmart, located on Emporium Drive, has been chosen as one of six stores in the nation as a prototype for their “self-stock” initiative. “Customers are frustrated that the shelves aren’t restocked in a timely manner,” said Boomer McCarthy, a spokesman for Walmart’s corporate office in Bentonville, Arkansas. “Given the success of self-check, Walmart has decided to expand its ‘employee-free experience’ model. With the new plan in place, customers will have full access to the stock room and loading dock. If a customer sees that an item is out of stock, they can just go into the stock room and look for it. Walmart will provide a less-than-helpful associate to oversee customer access to the stock room by shouting ‘you’re not doing it right’ from across the room while playing Angry Birds on their iPhones. Walmart realizes that our current stock crews are lazy, drug-addled, and largely useless, and that more often than not they simply get in the way. McCarthy later clarified that drug-addled employees would be allowed to use Android phones as well as iPhones to play games, and said they were not required to play “Angry Birds”, but could in fact play Bejeweled Blitz, Pokémon Go, or “just surf porn like everyone else. We really don’t care.” Walmart is calling the initiative “One Department, One Employee,” with the hopes of implementing a policy of no more than one employee in any given department of any store by 2025. Next year, Walmart will begin experimenting with a “One Store, One Employee” program, where a single underpaid part-time associate would run an entire store by themselves. The Walmart in Bolivar, Tennessee is being considered as one of the stores for this next phase. Jackson Police Chief Christopher J. Wiser was asked if he believed the new “self-stock” policy would result in an increase in shoplifting charges in Jackson. Currently the Jackson Police Department arrests customers for shoplifting in Walmart if they simply leave items in the wrong place in Walmart self-check areas. “We expect there will be more arrests,” said Chief Wiser, “We are dedicated to creating an entire new sub-unit of the police force just to patrol customers in Walmart. We will be arresting Walmart customers for placing items on the wrong shelves in the stock room, and if they take too long with a pallet jack while other customers are waiting. We’ll also be issuing citations to customers—but not arresting customers—who fail to flush the toilets, and who don’t return their carts to the corrals promptly.” The Jackson Police Department receives on average about three-hundred complaints per week about shopping carts not being returned to corrals, with over seventy-five percent of those calls coming from someone identifying themselves as Frank McMeen. Chief Wiser also said that the JPD was considering rolling out a “self-arrest” initiative in area Walmarts, where customers who were frustrated with their own self-check experience could simply arrest themselves rather than wait for the police to arrive. All Jackson Critic articles are satire news and entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to sports personalities and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction. Please feel free to copy and paste this disclaimer into you facebook comment to “prove this site’s bullshit”.